A Journey Through Shadows into Healing Light - Jess's Story
- Jessina Mehu
- 1 day ago
- 8 min read
*Trigger Warning*
My journey includes sensitive topics that may be triggering for those with similar traumas that have not been processed. Please ensure you are in a safe space before continuing. Take care of yourself!
My intention in sharing my story....
is to help my people find me. The souls who have walked similar paths that can see me, and I them. The souls seeking a flashlight so they can see their way through a situation that seems too dark and sticky to navigate. Maybe my story echos some of yours and I can assist in guiding you through it, sharing what's helped me.
That's what I feel I'm called to do. This is my purpose in this lifetime. I know I have experienced so many unique challenges in my life because I'm a healer and had to experience those challenges to help others. I know that in order for those people to find me, I need to be vulnerable and put my journey out there to be found. So here I am, showing up fully, after 10 incredible, transformative years, I’m now doing what my soul has been yearning to do. I am here now... and so proud of myself for never giving up no matter how dark it was at times.
My dream is for this post to be the first of many. If you have any draw towards putting your story out there as well, in a safe anonymous way, please send me an email so we can discuss how to make that possible. Writing out your story can be very therapeutic, especially when you’re able to be seen and supported when sharing it. I would also love to be a bridge for connections to be made for those with similar experiences. Please know you don't have to do this alone!
My personal journey of trauma...
As a child, I experienced physical, emotional and sexual abuse, as well as neglect. My parents were in a very toxic relationship, and I witnessed many horrible fights, as well as took on the role of best friend, protector, and therapist for my mother for all of this, as well as her own horribly abusive upbringing. I was raised in a high control cult which added onto the abuse I experienced (religious trauma). Education was highly discouraged in this cult, and I couldn’t make friends with anyone who wasn’t a member, nor celebrate holidays, so I never fit in at school and my undiagnosed ADHD all fed into a whole lot of educational trauma. I questioned too much and never did good enough in the cult, so I didn’t fit in there either and was kicked out (which involves zero contact, even a greeting from all of the cult members, including my mother) at age 16. The religious and family pressure to do “right”, resulted in me being married at age 17, right after I independently attained my high school diploma through a home school program. I became a mother at 18 and had 4 incredible children by the time I was 28. Like most that have experienced childhood trauma, I subconsciously continued the pattern of abuse into adulthood by choosing toxic partners and not seeming to have the ability to be on my own, so I cycled through them back to back. I have been through 2 domestic violence divorces, both mimicking the abuse I experienced as a child. I have experienced deep grief, watching my mother-in-law pass away from cancer at age 62, losing a best friend at age 31, another best friend at age 38, and my very best friend and second husband at age 31. I was a widow with 4 young, grieving children to care for on my own.
This is the most I can condense these activations that have shaped me today. I originally planned to expand on it all, until I realized that would be better put in a book format than a blog. Now I want to share what I was experiencing as an adult as a result of all of this, leading to my healing journey and creation of Healing Light Studios. My journey through these shadows, into healing light.
The symptoms I was experiencing as an adult….
Anxiety
Depression
Severe sleep issues
Panic Attacks
Low self-esteem
Perfectionism
Lack of boundaries and people pleasing
Chasing validation and love outside of myself
Repeated patterns of toxic relationships and abuse
Chronic stress and overwhelm
Chronic low back, shoulder and neck pain
Constantly living in a state of hyper arousal
Emotional rollercoaster I felt a slave to
I could go on… I didn’t know peace, safety, or true, unconditional love. I had happy times. Good memories and happy days. But I mostly lived in those shadow days, trapped in suffering. I cried way more than I let anyone see. I felt completely alone and honestly struggled to continue on at times.
My journey with healing really started in 2014...
when I sought a mental health therapist. That’s when the keys started unlocking. A year after I started therapy, my sacred grief began when my husband passed, and my healing journey deepened. I read self-help books and did many programs online alongside therapy. I found spiritual beliefs that felt true to my soul.
In 2019 I found my hatha/vinyasa yoga practice. This took my healing to an even deeper level. I learned how to breathe deeply. My mind started to reconnect with my body, and I was able to find peace in chaos. This didn’t last long however, as the yoga community I fell in love with started to fall apart. I have been a business entrepreneur since 2011 when I started my photography business, and I felt like I could see the issues in the business structure side of the industry based on what I was hearing from the community, yoga instructors, and studio owners. That was when I felt the strong surge of energy in my body telling me THIS is what I need to do. This is my purpose.
Then covid happened. A much-needed pause, as I had deeper to go into my healing journey to be in a place where I could do this. After so many years of cognitive learning… how did I still feel all the symptoms in my body? I couldn’t seem to think my way through my life… the emotions were at the driver's seat every time I experienced a trigger from an unhealed wound. Which was often.
Every conversation.
Every quiet moment in a day.
Every time I missed the mark on something.
And so many moments in between...
After finding myself feeling trapped in yet another emotionally abusive marriage, after seeing many therapists and doing so much work and being convinced I was “healed”, I crashed pretty hard. When I realized I was right back in that same position with zero idea how I got there, I felt absolutely exhausted and lost. But I also had tastes of better during that time when I had my yoga practice, and that kept my fire burning. I knew I needed something more. There had to be deeper healing available for me somewhere.
It took a lot of digging to stumble upon somatic healing modalities...
When I learned how yoga is a somatic healing practice, I realized somatic healing must be what I need. I became kind of obsessed with learning as much as I can with whatever programs I could find. Many of them being practitioner courses, as I felt this strong pull that this fit into my calling of opening a yoga studio/center for healing. I studied EMDR, somatic therapy, kundalini yoga, meditation, and breathwork. Chakra healing, somatic dance, EFT tapping, energy healing. I dove deeply into inner child healing and shadow work. I read more books and watched so many videos.
I didn’t just study it all, I practiced it. The most impactful of my studies and practice was through my 200-hour, trauma-informed kundalini warrior yoga and meditation teacher training through YFI.
The more I practiced these techniques, the more I started to feel in control of my life. My choices. My emotions were stabilizing. I could fall asleep easily and stay asleep through the night. I could breathe deeply and fully rest when I needed to. I started caring for myself the way I always cared for others, which gave me more to give others. I could set boundaries, and make sure the relationships in my life were good for me. The constant tension I felt in my lower back, neck and shoulders softened. I felt emotionally stable and no longer experienced panic attacks and bouts of depression.
I felt at peace. Safe. Loved. Seen. Heard.
I found my tribe. My purpose. My power.
I learned how to trust myself and listen to my inner guidance. How to truly be single and honor the time I need to heal.
About 30 days in of a daily somatic healing practice, I noticed as my glandular and nervous system started to heal, when I was triggered and spiraling into the shadow thinking, I could hear whispers of the truth. The rational thinking side with all that cognitive knowledge I had from therapy reeling me in. I could from there get myself to engage in my practices to bring me back to a regulated state.
By around 90 days, I noticed I was sleeping good! Things that would normally trigger me no longer did. Without feeling activated, I could have rational conversations with others and my relationships improved. When I did get triggered, what used to be a whisper of truth was now the louder one, and the shadow talk was just a whisper. I could get curious about the trigger, and explore what it was trying to show me.
Around 120 days, it was so rare that I would feel triggered or have a “bad” day that when I did, it was hard to be very upset about it because I noticed I couldn’t remember the last time I had felt this way and what a blessing that is. I know exactly what I need on those rare days, and gently work through it, grateful for having the opportunity to have found another layer.
I no longer believe there is a magical destination I will ever arrive to where I am “healed”. I believe this is a beautiful, lifelong journey that is not linear. I can absolutely say from my experience though, there is a much better way to live. You can journey through shadows into healing light. Know that you don’t have to do this alone. You weren’t made to.
Everything I’m bringing into Healing Light Studios…
every value and practice, is a piece of my journey. All the barriers I faced along the way, I’m working to dismantle. All the various modalities that helped me the most, I’m combining into a very unique offering, that I hope will make an impact on others' transformational journeys. I just want to do my part in making this world a better place.
I hope my story can be a bridge of light - carrying you through your own shadows, into the sacred fire you have always carried within.
Ways to work with Jess online or in person:
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